But at least

​Sometimes you do learn and that’s pretty much all you do. It’s crazy to think it can all go away any second. Everything you have learned . . . like it was never in your mind in the first place. And when memories are made, what do you do? How can you actually make the difference between loving a person or being attached to the memories you have with them? No one teaches us these things. Can we really learn them and outgrow the toxic behavior of never letting go?

It’s funny how I even came to think about it in the first place. I was by the sea, at about 9 PM, not really dark outside, yet dark enough to make one think. I felt the breeze so peacefully, I was not planning on going on the memory lane. Passing by this one restaurant called “Santorini”. I guess that’s even why it drew my attention, I adore Greece. It made me remember so many things from so many trips. But one phrase stayed on my mind. It would not leave. “You will always have memories, take care of whom you are making them with”. Was I at least close to being right? Well, blocking memories is a constant choice, but can one do it everytime? And even so, is it worth it? It involves so much effort you would rather ignore those memories. But they stay in your head, you know? Everything becomes a trigger. You remember things you’re supposed to have forgotten, stuff that was supposed to have faded. Has it? No. As much as you try to make it disappear as much it actually stays. Isn’t it all sad? You hope one day it will go away, but can you wait until that point? Do you have that much strength? To ignore so many triggers and pretend they are normal or not even there? Certain smells, objects or sights will always bring up your past. Can you ignore it? Truly? Most cannot. Don’t learn things the hard way, I know everyone says this and that you want to experience everything and maybe you think it will be different in your case, but sweetheart, this is real world. Things do not move around differently just because you want to try out something. Planets will keep on moving, the world will move on, but will you? Truly? You think you are powerful and you are, but memories kill no matter what, no matter who you are, where are you from and what you think about yourself. They will always do that. Will you be able to see certain things and feel nothing, just like before? You, my dear, can prove nothing to yourself. Time only does. “I said just a little bit then I got a taste of it,” right? What do you do then? Mistakes are done, yet you cannot stop. You know you are doing something wrong, but for nothing. That’s fine. What is right and what is wrong after all? But what if it hurts you? You feel it, the pain, it’s awful, but you still cannot stop and probably you will not even stop, until it is too late. You will start regretting you ever tried to prove something to yourself. Too late. Certain things have been done no matter how much you regret having done them. . .they are there, unchangeable. Trying things that you knew were wrong for you. It ends up bad when you do not listen to your instinct, that’s why you have it for goodness sake! Your family, friends, lover are exterior, they know, love, care about you, surely want just what’s best for you, but you and only you know what is the best thing for you. Don’t go by the whole “do it for the memories” cliché. Whomever tells you this will not be there to feel the consequences, but you will. If you don’t feel comfortable doing it, do not do it! Memories are a powerful gun, if they bring sadness, they kill. And if you do something with someone, you will create a bond whether you want or not. Will it be a good one? Will it destroy or uplift you? And the person you make memories with is so important. It can ruin a whole experience or make it the best. What is that you choose?

In my case it ended up kinda well. Truth came out and I must admit I laughed (if you only knew, but that actually makes me an awful person). But yeah, that person got what he/she deserved. You cannot fool everyone even though you did fool me once. I still struggle to forget some things. It would have been so much harder if things turned out differently. See my point? I am still in pain, it could have been worse, but in the beginning I had no idea how on earth it could end up like. What if it was worse and I would have been crying right now instead of writing this? You never know, you truly don’t. Never sleep on your instinct. Don’t learn it the same painful way.

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